My work is what I do not who I am

High achieving people can turn everything for a mechanism for getting an “A”; it’s an endless process of finding reasons for not being worthy of love. – Jerry Colonna


We are fundamentally good and worthy of love. That there is nothing we need to do but simply to be is a radical concept in today’s culture where our self-worth and value are measured by achievements, clear output and metrics for “success.” This mindset is a trap. By internalizing externally driven standards, we will never be good enough for our partner, our boss and ourselves. And, our partner will never be good enough for us, unless he does more of x, y, and z.


My purpose in life is to support and elevate you to live your most authentic and powerful life, your best life. I achieve this by providing you science backed tools, effective strategies and encouragement for relationship success. I’m focused on relationship success because the quality of your life is determined by the quality of your relationships. Numerous studies have shown this to be the case. If you want to be successful in business, you need to be successful in navigating relationships. Relationship intelligence matters in the quality of your life in and outside of work.


The thing is this: we live in a global culture where we are measured by our output and not by who we are. In a place like New York City, most people measure self worth and value by what they do: their vocation, their title, their income bracket, or being part of the “1 percent.”


My work is what I do not who I am.


I understand the desire to compete in a competitive world by asserting, “Hey, I’m enough and I’ll show you through my accomplishments.”  I once worked at a hedge fund and was captain of a varsity level sports team so I can relate to the lure and perceived benefits of such a path.

However, I want to challenge you today to check your perspective, your benchmarks for success and the working values and principles you have in place – not by what you say you believe but by looking at your actions. The most “successful” people (think Oprah or Bill Gates) live a life of integrity and honor across all aspects of their lives. Their internal compass matches their external world and they are fully aligned. Are you living a fully aligned life?


How you define success for yourself is your business. How you choose to measure your life is between you and your god. What I can share is that if you think like the rest of this world, like the majority, you will never truly become the best version of yourself because inadvertently you will have internalized other people’s benchmark as a way to measure your life. This type of thinking is dangerous. It prohibits you from discovering who you were meant to be, your birthright and the special gifts that only you were granted.


Do you really want others to define how you measure your worth? I read countless books and listen to dozens of podcasts weekly. I have never come across an interview or any literature about people on their deathbeds wishing they had worked harder and spent more time at the office.


I have not come across this even once, have you?


Yes, it’s easy to “know” and intellectualize but it’s a whole different matter to live in this intentional and meaningful way.


Stop, pause, reflect and ask (often):


-       What is my true purpose in life?


o   The first step to answering this question is figuring out what fulfills you at the core. What gives you life? What you were born to become is life giving.


By the way, you can be really good at a job that has nothing to do with your true purpose.  This is the trick that many “intelligent” people use to rationalize the grind (the trade off for money, for example).


I’m a firm believer that each of us was born with a set of unique skills, personality and passion that join together to make us special because there is only one of us among billions of people.


-       What are my unique gifts and talents that I can leverage for good? No matter our level of success, we can only get to the next level of significance when we figure out how to share our gifts with the world.


-       How can I live each and every day getting a bit closer to my highest self?


I define success by being better than I was yesterday. I define success by living a life where my external is aligned with my internal and when I am at complete peace. Money cannot buy any of this but you have to work for it.


-       What and who is my most authentic and powerful self? Have you ever asked yourself this question? Who are you at the core, your true self? Think back to the unencumbered, pure, joyful and open child you once were, before pain and expectations set in.


Not the self whose parents rewarded her for achieving straight A’s. Not the self that your boss wants you to become. Not the self that even your friends think you should be by rewarding certain behavior. Stop. Pause. Reflect. Ask, often.  


The fear that lingers within you – that’s your voice guiding you to your path. We do everything we can to suppress that voice by over compensating in other areas. There is a reason why high achievers at work are often running away from unsuccessful relationships. Work is something they can control. Their input equals output. It doesn’t work like that in relationships. If a man does not take into consideration his partner’s uniqueness and respect her differences, or if he thinks his way is the better way, then, good luck with that. He may be right but he won’t be happily in a relationship.


I understand that living your most authentic and powerful life, your best life, is simple but not easy to do. There are a million distractions: immediate gratification at the cost of long-term goals; a temporary ego boost that carries us to our next hit – whatever it may be for you.


When you cultivate you - the real you, not the politically correct, filtered you that you choose to share with the world, you become more intentional; more thoughtful; more mindful; more authentic. You learn to pause. You learn to enjoy the moments. You give thanks, daily. You appreciate the simple and beautiful moments in life. When you live this way, it bleeds into your relationships. It bleeds into every part of your life.


As a result, you’ll be happier and more fulfilled. You’re enjoying life and valuing the things that really matter – people over things.


When you live this way, you become more attractive. When you become more attractive, you attract higher quality people. It’s the law of relationship physics.


If you only remember one thing from this blog, know that you were born enough. You do NOT have to do anything, accomplish anything or achieve anything to be special, to be loved and to love.


You were born enough.




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