A person with a genuine fear of commitment usually stays away from any obligation involving people outside of immediate family. This person tends to have few close friends, doesn’t like to plan in advance and may be less inclined to commit to a long-term relationship or marriage.
There are several underlying reasons for a person’s fear of committing to an intimate relationship: a past bad experience or a broken heart, for example. Think of the myriad men in New York City who married their sweethearts but are now divorced. They may have lost not only the relationship but also half of their net worth. For many, this reality is a whole lot of pain.
Coincidentally, men tend to experience heartbreak differently than women. While some may move on easily and start dating other women immediately after a break-up, generally, it takes them more time to mend heartbreak. A broken heart can affect them to the core, despite machismo, looking strong on the outside and an active dating life.
Others simply don’t know who they are and what they really want in love and life. When you don’t know who you are at the core; or what motivates and drives you beyond money, fame, and power; when you lack self-awareness, you will wander from one relationship to the next, unfulfilled. The truth is that when you have a deep inner void, no one can fill that, only you. Of course, there are many ways to fill that void temporarily: alcohol, drugs, sex partying and working too much. The list goes on.
A woman might label her ex as being afraid of commitment as a rationale for the relationship not working out or for getting dumped. That is an easy out. It may make her feel better to think this way in order to justify why he left or why you were forced to leave him, but saying it doesn’t make it so.
I don’t know any eligible bachelors who chose being single and uncommitted when his relationship and partner were amazing. Men don’t leave amazing relationships.
Many men who are happily married today probably could be described as being afraid of commitment if they were to be judged by their past relationships and ex-girlfriends.
Sure, in a place like New York City where eligible women outnumber men, the economic principle driving the idea that commitment-phobic people are everywhere is the illusion of choice. Having more eligible women on the market gives men the false sense that if a relationship with one woman doesn’t work out, there are plenty more fish in the sea. The tendency, therefore, is to bail when things aren’t going well or at the first sign of unpleasantness.
The problem for both women and men is that this type of thinking never allows for dealing with the real issue: that each of us comes to a relationship with baggage and unresolved issues.
If we took the time, resources and energy to fix what needs fixing within us, we wouldn’t have the same perspective or the issues we have in dating and love.
It’s a lot easier to blame an ex and say, “He was commitment-phobic or she was crazy and too needy” and to jump from one relationship to the next, than to sit down, assess YOUR role and how YOU are driving results (negatively).
I’m not saying it’s your fault. I am saying that YOU are the only commonality amongst all of your relationship experiences. YOU are the only common element in everything you have experienced to date.
Perhaps, you’re drawn to unavailable men, emotionally or literally. Is he married, for example? Let’s get real about why you are attracted to unavailable men.
Every individual exists on a spectrum of emotional health from highly evolved and healthy to f*cked up. Some need to deal with past trauma. Yes, it is up to you to vet potential dates and ask the right questions because there are people out there for sure who are not of sound mind and heart. If you don’t have an effective strategy for vetting potential dates, you’ll benefit from working with me.
Ultimately, the reason for the myth that men are afraid of commitment is that both men and women actively perpetuate it. Yes, there are men – and women – who are wrong for you. Yes, you need to get your sh*t together before you can level up. A relationship not working out does not mean a person has a fear of commitment. It could be incompatibility or something else altogether. Let’s do away with labeling and instead focus on what you can control: YOU.
- You choose the person(s) you want to date
- You choose how you want to show up every day
- You dictate what you will allow and won’t put up with
- You attract your equal in emotional frequency; if you have stuff you need to work through in order to attract a higher quality person, let’s do the work
- You can leave a relationship if your needs are not being met but often it is easier to stay in a comfortable, mediocre relationship than to venture into the unknown for something that could be beautiful and electric
- Your life as it stands today is a culmination of a series of decisions you made and the consequences of your decisions
It’s easy to make shortsighted decisions by ignoring long-term consequences but just because you stick your head in the sand, doesn’t mean the wind isn’t blowing.
You are powerful. Make choices that take you closer to your most authentic and powerful self. Know thy self. Level up. Heal what needs healing.
Make good choices. Be courageous. Work on becoming great so that you can attract great.
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