Fear is real. People who say they have no fear are full of bologna. Fear looms within us in small and big ways. Our brain is trained to automatically magnify fear, real or imagined, in order to protect us from what we perceive as potential harm. Most of the time, what we fear never materializes and instead of proactively creating the life we desire by marching forward in spite of our fears, we spend most of our lives reacting to our emotions. What does this mean? Unless you understand, accept and manage your emotions, such as fear, you won’t be able to live your best life as your highest self.
Here are some common limiting and fear-driven relational thoughts:
- I’m not good enough (smart enough, skinny enough, successful enough, lovable enough)
- I’ll never meet anyone special and will end up alone
- My standards are too high and no one can meet them
- I don’t like doing things out of my comfort zone (when was the last time you really did something out of your comfort zone?)
- I’ve been told I’m not a good _______________
- I can’t date anyone my family wouldn’t love
The thing about fear is this: fear is an emotion that we all experience. However, we can control our emotions by working through them. To work through those emotions is not repressing our fear or ignoring it. Rather, it is accepting our emotions and moving through them. Start by naming the emotion. Then, sit with it for a minute. Let it come to you without resistance. Acceptance is the first step toward a shift. When you own what you feel, you are empowered to make a conscious choice about how to change the feeling.
What limiting thoughts and narratives are holding you back from living your most authentic and powerful life?
What’s really holding you back from finding the man of your dreams? I promise you, if you’re single and you want to be in a relationship, your singleness is not due to a shortage of good men.
Thoughts such as “all the good men are already taken” are thoughts and belief systems you created to manage fear. After all, it’s easier to control the outcome of the situation by controlling your false and limiting beliefs than by trying your best and falling short. You alone become responsible for your own life then and that is a scary concept, right? Not everyone wants that much power because if you “fail” at something, you have no one else to blame but yourself. Here’s another limiting thought: because you might fail, it’s easier to never get started. You are short-changing your life living and thinking in this small way.
By the way, I don’t believe in the concept of “failure.” If every relationship that ended has taught you something, and I hope it has, then it was an important life lesson, not a failure. Remember, you are exactly where you are supposed to be until you learn the lessons.
Fear-driven thoughts and beliefs are not only limiting but also dangerous because the greatest crime is living below our potential.
The difference between living the life you have now and living your best life is action (or inaction).
Shift your narrative:
- I am good enough. I am worthy of receiving love and finding a man who appreciates me for who I am
- I will meet someone special and I’m willing to put myself out there even if it seems scary
- I will sign up for dating apps and manage this decision so it does not manage me
- Each day, I will take one action out of my comfort zone which will also increase the likelihood of meeting new people (new friends or potential dates), such as joining a volunteer group, going to happy hour or joining a yoga class
- I understand that for 99 percent of us, nothing great comes easily and great things require work. Even if I can’t control the outcome, I’m willing to go for it. I have one life and I want to make it count
The difference between living the life you have now (which can be great by all societal measures) and an extraordinary life is taking action BEFORE you’re ready.
You have to get started before you feel ready. As the slogan goes, “Just do it!”
Studies on motivation have shown that there is no such thing as motivation. By that I mean you can’t sit around and wait to “feel” motivated. The feeling will never come. You just have to do it before you feel ready. It’s called discipline.
Stop telling yourself the same old story about why your life hasn’t worked out the way it was supposed to and start creating your future by taking one action today, in spite of your fears, that will take you a step closer to a beautiful life, a kind of life you deserve to experience.
At the end of your journey, you won’t regret that you tried; you’ll regret never having started.
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