“The quality of your relationship determines the quality of your life” - Eunice
How do I know if date No. 1 was a success*?
Let me start with how a guy determines first date success: a good conversation which translates into emotional connection; you are cute enough; and genuine. Let me repeat: you had fun; he found you cute enough and you seemed warm. That’s it, ladies. The 99.5% of men are not looking for a supermodel that went to an Ivy League school (because so many of them exist).
Yes, we all want to find a person about whom we are passionate and with whom we’re in love, sure, but you have to meet the person halfway. Manage your expectations. He cannot be everything to you – we talked about this. You’re expected to compromise. Compromise is a part of life. The problem is that people compromise on the WRONG aspects. People will compromise on integrity, for example, but not on height.
Raise your standards on what matters, your core values and needs. Needs have nothing to do with a person’s size or credentials. Lower your standards on the stuff that has nothing to do with long-term relationship success. Do you want to get married or do you want to stay happily married?
Just because you don’t see fireworks, or feel an instant connection and butterflies on your first date, does not mean he is the wrong person for you, or that he is the right person. You simply don’t have enough information yet. On date No. 1, you’re not evaluating for marriage. You are evaluating for date No. 2, with the full understanding that on date No. 1 you have asked the right questions to vet him, based on your deal breakers, etc. That’s it.
Note: Be careful about thinking that “comfort” with someone on date No. 1 is the real deal. Comfort often means we have emotional resonance with someone who makes us feel familiar. We talked about this – familiar can also be negative if we seek dysfunction inadvertently, for example.
Let me break this down. This is how to assess the success of date No. 1:
- Did you have fun? Did you laugh and have a good conversation? Was there an emotional connection?
- Did you get answers to two or three “priority” questions that would determine if he is worthy of date No. 2? (Read “deal breaker” article if you need a refresher)
- Bottom line: Is this person good enough for date No. 2? By that I mean, do you like what you see so far and are you willing to learn more about him? If so, the only way that can happen is on date No. 2.
And ladies, please stop comparing your date to your ex, or the one that got away, or whomever. You are not with this person for whom you’re pinning for a reason.
Let’s get real: we’re good enough for another person because we are not perfect, no one is. It’s helpful to keep that in mind. As amazing as you are, you are not perfect. Perfection does not exist.
Men actually reveal quite a bit about themselves on the first date, if you pay attention. If you see things as they are, not as you wish them to be, then you should be able to get a lot of information on date No. 1. If you are not getting this information, you’re not doing your job of vetting him properly.
One word of caution: If something feels off to you, listen to it. It’s your gut telling you something you need to know.
Remember, we’re looking at the sum total of a human being, not a person benchmarked against a standard prescribed by hallmark cards, our parents’ notion of marriage, or romantic movies with happy endings.
Stay open hearted and minded and you will be able to evaluate your dates fairly, honestly and quickly. As I say daily, the best way to ensure success in vetting your dates is to know thy self really well. Be radically honest and real with yourself. Be clear on who you are. This is the best assurance for attracting what you seek.
* And by “success” I mean, it was good enough to take you to date No. 2.
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P.P.S. I would love to hear from you. For comments, email firstname.lastname@example.org.