What Trust Really Looks and Feels Like


Have you ever looked back on a previous relationship and thought to yourself, ‘Yeah, of course, I should have seen the warning signs and the red flags; they were there all along.  Why did I not pay attention to them earlier?’

Each of us probably has ignored something we should have paid more attention to; it happens to the best of us.


In the beginning of a relationship, you’re focused on the good. You’re high on young love, and you put your best foot forward for as long as you can. Along the way, you overlook what appears to be small, harmless acts or a flicker within you telling you something. I promise you these small acts will add up.


It’s up to you how quickly you address what you see when it is something you don’t like or that doesn’t add up. I’ve found that being proactive in resolving any discrepancy – whether it leads to meaningful conversations or a breakup - works out for the best.


Don’t ever let someone else question your instincts; always trust you.  Stop wasting your time on the wrong people by ignoring red flags early on. A majority of relationships that eventually end could have ended a lot sooner. Does this resonate?


‘Your relationship ends the same way it began’ is a phrase I like to use. The life coach, Tony Robbins, also said the same recently during his podcast. If we’re both saying it, there must be something to it.


This week, we’re talking about trust. What do red flags have to do with trust? For starters, you may define trust in a relationship as your partner not lying, cheating or stealing from you. What I’ve learned however is that real trust within your partnership is so much more. Real trust is knowing that your partner will take care of you when you are sick. It’s his ability to listen compassionately to you when you’ve had a bad day. Real trust is depending on him during the tough times and knowing that when you get into a terrible fight, he’s not going to bail. It’s knowing that you can count on him no matter what. If you can only trust your partner when you’re together because everything feels right, but you’re not so sure when you spend time apart, that’s not trust.


It’s easy to trust when all is well. By the way, if you have to share passwords to trust one another, I would challenge your views on what it means to be in trusting relationship. Real trust is not based on evidence but is about believing in your partner even without all the answers. You still can feel the wind even if you cannot see it.


Although trust is all of those elements mentioned and so much more, the highest form of trust in your relationships is the trust you have in yourself.  When you believe and trust in yourself, you not only trust your instincts, you also trust that you’ll be okay after the storm. Even after heartbreak, you can trust that you’ll love again, if you stay open to the process.


Trusting yourself is the foundation that allows your relationship to reveal its true long-term potential, for better or for worse.


So many people overstay in mediocre relationships for years. They don’t get what they need because they don’t trust they can find someone else or that they will be able to deal with the loneliness of being single. They don’t trust that something so much greater is out there waiting for them. They settle for the mediocre and in the process sacrifice their soul.


I’ve been guilty of not trusting my instincts. It’s a hard lesson to learn. Every single time I have ignored my instincts, I have regretted it in the long run; I’m batting 100 percent.

Generally, I have excellent instincts. I’ve honed my insight and perception over the years by studying myself and other people. Understanding people and reading between the lines is part of my job. Every time I’ve ignored that little flicker of warning, so gentle and distant at the time, it catches up with me.


What’s the cost, you may wonder? The cost is wasted time and years of your life, if you add it up. Time is our greatest commodity, not money or resources, but our time.


While we’re wasting time with the wrong people, we’re also building immunity to what does not work and overlooking our needs. Essentially, we’re creating more work for ourselves as we seek to come to terms with and heal the parts of ourselves that were broken as a consequence of being in the wrong relationships with the wrong people.

Since nothing is for free, you will always pay the price for overstaying in the wrong relationship. The price is you. Isn’t that too much of a cost to bear?


Some years ago, I was about six months into a relationship when I realized some thing was wrong. I confronted my then partner. Rule # 1: never ignore what doesn’t feel right. He apologized for his transgression and genuinely asked for forgiveness and another chance. Keep in mind that I liked him and he liked me. The relationship was pretty great and easy in the best way. We had a lot in common, a lot of fun together and no other problems other than this one issue. I told him I would think about it before making my decision. After contemplation, I agreed to give him another chance but with the caveat that if the behavior was repeated, we’d be done.


In that moment of taking him back, I remember thinking, ‘If I’m wrong about this, I will come back to this moment and remember that I didn’t listen to my inner voice.’ The universe was trying to tell me something important and I ignored it.


What happened? The relationship ended the same way it began and I remembered that moment of ignoring my instincts and instead following my feelings.


I understand how hard it is to dump someone because of a few red flags when you have feelings for him. It’s a simple concept but not easy in practice. Feelings alone do not carry a relationship long term.


Remember this: love is a vital part of a lasting relationship but in the end, it is not enough. Love alone will never be enough to sustain your relationship long term. Read that again.


What’s my point in all of this?


Trust yourself. Trust your instincts. That quiet feeling within you is always steering you in the right direction, if you pay attention. In those moments, we choose to see what we want to see and ignore what we want to ignore. Value yourself more than you value the person you’re dating, whom you barely know. You will never know him as well as you know yourself. Choose to give back to yourself the time you would have had if you had not ignored what you needed to pay attention to early on.

When you over stay in the wrong relationship with the wrong person for fear of the unknown, it prevents you from finding the person who is right for you. Yes, you are intentionally holding back your blessing. Think about that. AND you will have to undo some of the emotional damage you incurred during the wrong relationship.


Matters of the heart impact us in so many ways subconsciously. Everything you do has a price. Nothing is for free. In relationships, the ultimate cost is giving away a part of you to the wrong person. Listen to your inner guide.


Trusting yourself is the highest form of integrity. Leaving a man for whom you have feelings is courageous. Be bold, my friends, be brave.  The reward for your courage is something so much better and greater than anything you could imagine. The life you deserve is waiting for you on the other side of fear.



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