You have to compromise on what you think you want in order to get something so much better than what you imagined – Eunice
Many people confuse “compromising” and “settling” in a relationship.
Compromise is a core tenet of relationship success. Two people with completely differently experiences cannot co-exist without learning each other’s triggers and preferences; likes and dislikes; and then finding a way to make each other happy without sacrificing their own needs. That’s called maturity.
Settling is giving up a core part of yourself, your dreams and your needs in order to stay in a relationship that ultimately is not life-giving.
Often, I hear women (and men) judging other women and making incorrect and poor assumptions based on superficial qualities. Years ago, an acquaintance showed me a picture of her friend’s wedding and said, “How could she marry someone who is short, bald and whatever else?” Her statement surprised me, especially because she married someone who is not “attractive” physically by certain social standards but who is a very good provider. My questions about the bride would have been, “Does he make her happy? Does he treat her like his queen? Does he maker her a priority?”
Stop judging others and potential dates based solely on your “type.”
Do you have a type? How is that working out for you? I’m not asking you to give up on what you’re attracted to but if you’re fixed only on men who are tall, that’s not attraction. That fixation is the meaning you gave to the characteristic of “tallness” which has nothing to do with your long-term happiness and relationship success.
If it has worked for you in the past, keep doing what you’re doing. I’m not asking you to do anything differently if you have found lasting love and happiness. But if you’re reading this, my guess is that you’re still searching.
Some women like “bad” boys but those guys have not worked out for them. As a dating coach, should I tell my clients to continue dating “bad” boys because that is their “type” even if they haven’t found success? Having a type and making choices based on that type does not automatically mean relationship success. So, adjust.
If you’re looking for a fulfilling relationship with a person who is right for you, then be more open minded and hearted than you were when you started reading this blog.
In dating people will often go out with one extreme guy and then another because they are reacting to what did not work out previously.
There is a difference between going TOWARD something and running AWAY from something.
Years ago, someone I know dated a guy who was smaller in frame than she was. She was uncomfortable with the size difference but her discomfort had NOTHING to do with him. Deep down, she was insecure about her “big” frame and so she left that relationship. She immediately went out (and subsequently married) a man who is over a foot taller than she is and much stronger. She said she knew he was the one because “she always wanted someone who could carry her.” I’m not saying she’s unhappy; people do get lucky in love. Even a broken clock is right twice a day.
Whatever your type and along with the list of qualities you are searching for in a future partner, ask yourself:
Has it worked out for me?
Why are these traits really important to me?
Do they really matter? If you like men who are very tall, I’m not saying to go very short but flex a little in your requirements. Maybe 6 feet is your ideal but you’re open to 5’10”. You must give a little something to get a lot of something great.
I’m on your side. I want you to be happy. I want you to find everlasting love with someone who adores you and makes you a priority.
What should be your type?
How you feel with your partner should be the REAL benchmark for your type. How you resolve conflict is another telltale sign of enduring relationship health.
Do you feel emotionally secure? Do you feel comfortable being your authentic self around him? Do you laugh together? Do you talk about the uncomfortable stuff? Does he support you and have your back? If the answer is yes, consider yourself blessed in love.
Think about what really matters in your life; not just today but in 25 years down the road. Close your eyes and imagine the life you wish for your future self, including the feelings and your surroundings in that moment. I imagine you want to be happy, fulfilled and at peace with no regrets. Figure out what really makes you light up on the inside, and go after it with everything.
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